No Longer Apologizing

So much of my life has been marked by a wondering of whether I am too much or not enough.

I’ve always had this deep sense of knowing who I am, and yet, I’ve felt this tension about whether or not the me I know to be true will ever be loved or accepted by someone. And, in the midst of this tension I’ve found myself feeling like men often like me in theory—the way I see the world is “cute” or the firey side of me is “fun”—but in practice? not so much. The way I see the world and perceive things becomes a threat to the way they want to see the world, and the fiery side of me becomes intimidating.

But, over the last few months, I’ve come to the firm realization that I have always been enough, and not everyone will be able to handle all of who I am—and that’s okay.

I don’t need to shrink for someone, nor should I have to. And, if I’m too much or not enough for someone, then perhaps that says more about them than it does about me. So, in this season of growth, I’ve made the resolution to no longer apologize for what I’ve been through or the things that have molded me into the person I am today.

I am grateful for this deep knowing of myself, for the way I see the world, the fierceness that ignites when I’m passionate or enthralled. The traumatic things that are a part of my story do not define me, but they have influenced who I’ve become. And, I am so thankful for those who see me, hear me, and know me without judgment or labels.

So, as I make my way into the magical decade known as my thirties, I’m no longer apologizing for who I am or what I’ve been through. And, while I believe in growing and changing as I live, and learn, and become—please don’t think you’re going to change the parts of me that you don’t like.

Am I exorbitant or inapt? Maybe to some. Am I sorry? No. And, I would apologize for being so impenitent about who I am and what I want, but if you’ve read this far, you know I’m not doing that anymore.